DYING ‘r’ US…
“The chances of dying are one out of one, for everybody.” — Einstein
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN…
“What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory down the passage we did not take, towards the door we never opened…” — T.S. Elliot
SAVE YOURSELF…
The big dreams — of riches and fame and undying love and what have you — punched a hole in space and time to make a vacuum box which could be filled with the smaller, attainable versions of the bigs could be born to grow and thrive — which is what I really want in the first place. Just painting. Painting, and books and friends. Good food and plenty of recipes that I might try when the oppressive heat of summer is over. In the meantime, cherries, blackberries, grapes, bagels and all good things so clean and beautiful from Costco. I sleep like a hibernating bear. I enjoy my life, and the universe takes care of me…
SOME OF US NEVER PUT DOWN THE CRAYONS…
I finished the third of the oceans series this morning. The top of my hand hurts from so many days of ferocious painting. The pain reappears at the top of my elbow. Hide and seek pain. Same with Barbara being dead. The pain comes and goes. I am having this wonderful life in the tropics and she is dead. That doesn’t seem right. She loved life with the same intense passion that I do. Now, the subterranean river of sorrow runs through my days and nights. And nothing will ever be the same. Monkey Mind frames this grief as you are not ok and you will never be ok again. Wrong. I am ok right this frikkin frakkin minute and beyond. I build my future with my paintings and my forward acting baby steps and will continue to do so to my own last dying breath.
I AIN’T DEAD YET…
“You are now free, whether you wanted to be or not. Even though you may struggle with ‘why’ and obsess over what could have been or should have been, acceptance is still necessary. In order to promote your healing, you must accept that there is a reason and it is for your higher purpose. It was for a higher purpose of the one you lost as well…
“You are literally not attached to that relationship or that person any more, and so you are free. Free to go forward on your life path, to explore different options… free to choose differently. The energy space has opened for reasons we may not understand.
“It may be to allow opportunities and people into your life that could not have entered before. You may find your next relationship or your next life purpose.
“Following a huge loss, you are free to find your own rhythm, build your own routine, fill in your newly blank dance card. It is time to find out what your own life’s orbit is like without your missing person’s gravitational field…
“Integrate all of it. Take every lesson and every memory and include them as you go forward… Discover who you’ve become because of the relationship and who you are without it and embrace it… Become who you were meant to be because this person came into your life and because they are now gone…” — Giselle Belanger
YES, BUT… It hurts to have Barbara gone…
“You don’t know when you start doing the work what you’re going to find. Or how to find it. A very small thing can lead to a big thing.” — Georges Braque
FULLY INVESTED IN THIS NEW LIFE… ONLY COMMIT…
Pour all your energy into one, very positive place. This is the first rule of living with and — possibly leaving in the rearview mirror — a big steaming pile of grief.
Second rule: give stuff away, throw stuff out. The great neighborhood give away. Helps you achieve a certain lightness of being. I gave away my travel sized Winsor Newton watercolor set. My Conte crayons. Anything and everything I was not really using. (If you are not really using something, you are hoarding it.)
YOU’RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER WASTEBASKET…
And your giveaways benefit the people you give stuff to. Just because under your bright smile and your pleasant life you feel bereft and unhappy doesn’t mean you can’t make somebody else feel the comfort of your love. You can maybe help your friends and neighbors on their own road to happy destiny…
Rule three: get with your friends and loved ones. Go to lunch or breakfast or for a cup of coffee. So far this week, I have done writing practice with Chris, I have been in touch with Jane, I am going for frozen bananas with Gingerita. The frozen bananas are really a trip. When Jane was here, I pointed them out to her. They stuff a banana with caramel, chocolate or cherries. Then they dip it in light or dark chocolate and roll them in nuts. Wow. Yesterday I chomped a thick and juicy burger with my neighbor. There was enough left over to take home for supper.
Rule four: TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. I got a pedicure yesterday, had my toenails painted sapphire. Once I magnetize some more money, I will get a massage. I also went shopping. Three days in a row. I bought BOTH Queen Anne cherries at Costco, and the dark red, almost black cherries they bring up from Chile. I bought blackout curtains and God knows what all.
Bandaids on the grief. With enough bandaids and enough time — nobody knows how much time is enough for any suffering individual — I guess that is up to the Great Spirit Mystery — I believe that the bleeding stops. At that time, you are left with your lovely loving memories of the loving kindness your missing person gave you. And that you gave her right back.
So do the bandaid baby action steps. Throw out old receipts, keys, operating manuals, papers, broken jewelry — indeed, anything that is broken — or even things that are not broken but that have, since buying or acquiring them, shown themselves to be rather useless in your life. I gave my flatscreen tv to my neighbor and am not fussed about it at all. Because I would rather live plain and simple. More plain and simple than the lifestyles hawked and huckstered on tv. Not wanted on the voyage.
It is not discipline to change your life, make it right — it is desire. Doing what comes naturally. In my case, I am willing to change. And grow, despite knowing that with growth come growing pains. As my friend Gail says, “Another fucking growth opportunity”. Right now, another fucking growth opportunity is upon me. So it is beyond necessary that I heed the call to grow. This is the GROWTH IMPERATIVE: GROW OR DIE.
Think new thoughts. Make new karma. Love is all there is. Let us be love, and be loved.